An Open Letter to Saturn

My reflection on the things you have taught me thus far and how to use those lessons now.

Well, I am here. I am officially in my Saturn return. But you knew that already. You also know that I understand you have significant lessons for me during this critical transit. So, before I try to figure out what this homecoming could offer, let me first look at a few other transits of importance from the past and see what I have learned from the lessons you have taught me.

Let me start with the first Saturn square. Ah, the ninety-degree transit happened back in 2001, which is right on time—seven years old. Unfortunately, I do not remember my life at that age… thank you, childhood trauma—moving on.

Me: 0–Saturn: 1

Seven years later, you transition into my seventh house, the house of relationships, and form an opposition to my natal Saturn in the first house, the house of self. This was an opportunity when I could have learned boundaries in all my relationships: myself, friends, family, and boyfriends. (Yes, I agree I was a bit young to have boyfriends at fourteen—but hey, the third one ended up being my husband, so that’s not too bad, right?) Instead, it was the struggle between hiding who I really was to be what I thought people wanted/needed me to be in any relationship. With my natal Saturn in Pisces and your opposition in Virgo, this was the opportunity to work with the positive, energetic traits of both signs: spiritual, intuitive, and nurturing for Pisces; practical, realistic, and organized for Virgo. Instead, I took the unhealthy Piscean energy approach—escape my current reality as a way to cope with my reality; by pretending my truth isn’t what it is as a way to process it. I accomplished this through the unhealthy Virgoan energy of being overwhelmed, overextended, and overly stimulated. I did this by leaning hard into the harmful Saturnian message, “Fuck your feelings. Fuck your needs. Just power through”. The unhealthy Saturnian message fed my unhealthy Piscean desire to escape, which fueled my harmful Virgoan ability to move constantly. Pain and grief cannot hit a moving target after all. Therefore, the vicious cycle must continue.

Me: 0–Saturn: 2

Fast forward another seven years, and we come to the second Saturn square. You have entered my tenth house, the house of career and long-term goals. This was a pivotal time in my life. I remember having high aspirations of climbing the corporate ladder and achieving success and wealth at the ripe age of twenty-one. I was on my way too. Once I started getting promotions at a National bank, I saw the dark underbelly of corporate America and decided I didn’t want to sell my soul for a title. But I wasn’t ready to give up my desire to make a lot of money. So, what did I do? I became a stockbroker, naturally. But that ended almost as quickly as it started. It didn’t take long for me to look around the trading floor and see my colleagues (who were significantly older than me) complain endlessly about hating the job but being unable to quit because they had become accustomed to making the amount of money they did. I decided that was not going to be me. I realized then that I could not equate my self-worth to the amount of money I make, especially if it meant I was miserable while making it. Because I was young, I was able to rationalize making a drastic decision and take a job as a laboratory technician working on the graveyard shift that ultimately cut my salary in half.

This was the best decision I had made up to that point. Not only could I work for a company that didn’t make me feel gross at the end of my shift, but I could also experience a much-needed pause from the fast-paced, never-ending cycle I was accustomed to. I didn’t realize until I had time to slow down how long I had been running on fumes. I started to expand my mind at work by listening to podcasts about many different subjects, from psychology, sociology, history, science, healthcare, politics, education, and even taboo topics like religion, sex, money, and the occult. I learned so much about myself as I listened to and learned from these podcasts. I may have taken a pay cut. But what I lost in dollars, I gained in self-knowledge.

Me: 1–Saturn: 2

Today, I am twenty-eight years old, and the hardest lessons I have learned in my life thus far have been within the last seven years. During this time, I have experienced: a new and unrecognizable body due to weight gain; a tragic accident that left my stepdad paralyzed; the loss and grief of my younger brother who was murdered; new friendships; my marriage almost ending due to an affair I had; myself at the bottom of a bottle; sobriety; the loss of friendships; the start of new friendships; the love and joy a dog brings; my marriage healing; fertility problems; massage school; my massage business opening; therapy; therapy ending; suicidal ideation; the estrangement of my dad and stepmom; my teenage sister moving in with my husband and me; somatic bodywork to heal sexual trauma; my business closing; education at the community college; and most recently the trial for my brother’s murder.

So, what have I learned from these experiences? I know that’s your whole motive. You bring difficulties to the reality I experience, and you expect me to learn a lesson from it. Well, the things I have learned from those experiences are: body-acceptance and neutrality; disability is the one minority group anyone can experience any time during their life; the world is cruel and some people think they can play God; it’s possible to make friends as an adult; I am capable of doing things I never thought I would, given the right circumstances; substances are a great way to escape pain; getting clean involves facing the pain; some friendships bring toxicity; while other friendships bring healing; dogs really do teach the meaning of unconditional love; it is possible to rebuild trust after infidelity; being in a female-body is complicated; there is healing in touch; I am capable of taking risk; therapy is hard work; finding a good therapist is even harder; sometimes life gets really dark; parents aren’t superheroes; it’s hard to balance being a sister and a caretaker; the body stores all trauma and it must be worked out; closing my practice is a “see you later” and not a “goodbye”; traditional higher education isn’t as bad as I remember; and justice is still possible in the world.

Me: 2–Saturn: 2

Now I know you love the preparation, and I feel like these past seven years have really prepared me for this Saturn return I am in now. You have returned to my first house and are in the sign of Pisces. Can I stay present and in my body while I face my current reality? Will I be able to manage any anxiety and depression wholesomely? Or will I return to the old coping mechanism and try to escape by disconnecting and dissociating? Can I stay grounded in my spiritual journey or take the spiritual bypassing route? How can I create structure and routine that allows for flow and creativity? These are all the questions I imagine you want me to ask myself.

So, here’s my plan so far. I will not take classes during the summer semester as I originally planned. I have realized I am feeling the beginning stages of burnout… a feeling I am too familiar with and do not want to repeat. So, this summer, I will create days full of rituals consisting of movement and nourishment. I will be intentional with my relationships and make time for rest. I can't predict with certainty what your lessons will be. But I strive to be as open as possible to your teachings.

Me: TBD–Saturn: TBD

Forever your student,

A.A